Touching the Edge – What We Avoid, and Why It Matters

Avoidance is something we all do.

We avoid difficult conversations, uncomfortable feelings, unresolved memories.

Often we don’t even realize we’re doing it. We stay busy, productive, helpful, entertained.

But underneath all of that, we’re keeping a distance from something important – something tender.

What we avoid isn’t random. It’s often connected to our past.

And more than that – it’s where healing and integration begin.

What avoidance really is

Avoidance isn’t about being lazy or resistant.
It’s a survival response - and a very smart one.

Your nervous system learned to pull away from certain experiences that once felt too intense, too fast, or too unsafe.

Here’s what avoidance can look like in everyday life:

• You get quiet when emotions rise

• You change the topic when something feels vulnerable

• You numb out with food, screens, or staying busy

• You overexplain or try to stay in control of everything

These are strategies. They helped you cope.
But they also keep you disconnected from your emotional truth – and from others.

Avoidance protects.
But it also prevents integration.

Are Avoidance and fear the same?

No - here’s the difference:

• Fear is an emotional response.

  It’s what you feel when something seems threatening or unsafe – either physically or emotionally.

• Avoidance is a behavioral response to that fear.

  It’s what you do (or don’t do) in reaction to the fear.

🟡 Fear says: “This might hurt.”

🔴 Avoidance says: “Let’s not go there.”

A personal moment at the edge

A while ago, I noticed myself doing it again.

After a conversation that stirred something deeper, I could feel my chest tightening. I picked up my phone, checked emails, started tidying the kitchen.

Then I caught it – this was avoidance.

So I lay down on my mat, placed a hand on my chest, and just stayed still.
No fixing. No analyzing. Just being with it.

After a few minutes, a quiet sentence floated up:

You’re too much. You always were.

It wasn’t a loud thought. Just a trace thought of something old – still stored in my body.

That moment was what I call “touching the edge.”
The edge of discomfort. The edge of what we usually walk around.
And this time, I chose to stay.

What is integration?

Integration means allowing the parts of ourselves we’ve pushed away to come back into awareness – gently, slowly, and with presence.

Without integration, we stay fragmented. We repeat patterns, stay stuck in our heads, or keep disconnecting from our needs.

With integration, something shifts. We:

• Learn to stay with our emotions without getting overwhelmed
  (Read more here about how De-Armouring can support you here)

• Understand our triggers instead of avoiding them

• Create new experiences of safety inside our bodies

Why I Say Integration, Not Healing

I often use the word integration instead of healing, and that’s intentional.

“Healing” has become a loaded word.
It’s often used in a way that implies something in us is broken, wrong, or needs to be fixed or changed.
The underlying message is: You need to become someone different in order to be okay.

But that’s not how I see it.

“Integration” means something else entirely.
It’s not about changing or erasing parts of you.

It’s about making room for the parts you’ve pushed away – the ones that carry old fears, outdated beliefs, unprocessed grief – and welcoming them into your present experience.

Integration says:

• This part of me had a reason to exist.

• I don’t have to act from it, but I no longer need to exile it.

• It can belong, even if it no longer runs the show.

Because when we stop trying to “fix” ourselves and start creating space to include all of us – even the parts that feel messy, needy, scared, angry, or numb – we become more whole.

More available.

More rooted in reality.

That’s the work I care about.
Not becoming someone else.
But becoming someone who can hold all that you are – past, present, and evolving.

This is where real healing happens – not through analysis or mindset work alone, but through embodied presence.

A simple practice

Next time you notice yourself avoiding something – whether it’s a feeling, a task, or a conversation – try this:

• Pause and name it: “I’m avoiding right now.”

• Notice what happens in your body. Is there tightness, numbness, pressure?

• Set a timer for 60 seconds. Stay with the sensation. Breathe.

You don’t need to go deep. You just need to stay a little longer than you normally would.

This is the first step toward integration.
Not pushing. Not forcing. Just staying present with what’s here.

Why this matters

So many people want to heal. They want peace, clarity, intimacy, and freedom.
But they keep avoiding the very places that hold the key.

What we avoid is not the enemy – it’s often where our original wound lives.
And when we bring attention, breath, and presence to that place, the system starts to reorganize.

We become more whole.
More available.
More human.

If this speaks to you, I explore these themes weekly in my newsletter, The Unarmoured – 5 Minute Sunday.

I share personal reflections, body-based practices, and grounded insights into healing and presence.

You can sign up here if you want to receive these directly in your inbox.

– Johannes

emotional avoidance, trauma healing, somatic therapy, nervous system regulation, emotional resilience, how to heal emotional wounds, body-based healing, facing discomfort, inner work, trauma-informed healing